Choice of toys = choice of human?

Dearest Reader,

While I have taken great care to remain childless up until this point, many of my friends and same-aged peers have decided to procreate and fill this world with children’s laughter.

This inherently means that I now attend parties at which the human in question does not yet know where his or her nose is, why there is cake, and who these people are. It is of course social etiquette to bring this small person a gift, although, in my humble experience, children much prefer playing with (and ingesting) the wrapping paper,

In any case, I find myself entering toy stores and browsing the aisles for a suitable, age-appropriate gift.

I have realised that the aisles in the toy section are neatly divided into categories, as if you could basically decide what type of human you’d like the child to become, and buy the necessary toys to shape their brain and personality accordingly. 

It is a very clinical approach to me, and I wondered whether buying the wrong toy could potentially derail this infant from achieving his or her full potential.

For instance, what if I accidentally create a shallow person that will dedicate their life to following fashion trends and “investing” in make-up because I picked up something from the pink princess section?

Or what if I select a box with science experiments, robots and video games – will I be creating a nerd?

Should I try to raise a future engineer by buying Lego or these planes and ships you have to assemble? If it goes wrong, they might still have a thriving career assembling IKEA furniture!

Will buying a football result in an overly competitive human, or one that doesn’t care about academic achievements?

And if I buy a miniature kitchen, will this come across as anti-feminist?

In the end, toys were too much of a challenge; I didn’t want the wrong career path on my conscience.

So instead, I bought diapers. For when shit hits the fan. Because from what I’ve observed, it will.

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