Prepare for your own stupidity

Dearest Reader,

If you are anything like me, you hate inconvenience, hassle and mishaps.

In order to avoid these things, I am the kind of anally-retentive person that will plan the day out down to the tiniest detail, and hope it will run smoothly. Life shan’t catch me off-guard and unprepared I say!

But of course, sometimes you are your own worst enemy, and despite all the planning, what you haven’t considered is that you are human and therefore not perfect. Sometimes it is simply your own stupidity biting you in the ass.

It wouldn’t be me if I didn’t tell you that you can also neurotically plan for this. You heard me. I plan my mistakes, and plan how to instantly solve them way ahead of making them.

1.Forgetting things

I am one of those people cursed to take the bus for the rest of their lives because despite being the holder of a licence proving my ability to drive a car, I don’t have the money to buy one, nor do I ever envision having this kind of money.

Instead, I have my rechargeable public transport card (aka ‘Opal card’) and keep it in a little sleeve loosely in my bag to tap on and off as I go about my day.

I cannot capture in words the anxiety and fury when, upon entering the bus, I realise that I left my Opal card at home or in a different bag. Now what?

Well, thanks to my own idiocy-forecast, I now keep a second card in my wallet. If I forget my Opal card, I can use the one in my wallet. If I forget my wallet, I can use my Opal card to get home and get my wallet. If I forget both, I can use my phone to solve all of these problems by taking an Uber. Foolproof.

2.Making a mess

You count the days you’ll be away on holiday.

You pack that number of underpants.

And then you add one more just in case.

While I can proudly say that the last time I peed my pants was in 3rd grade (which is already too old, I know), it was such an upsetting experience that 20 years later I still pack extra underpants.

In fact, I pack an extra item of almost everything just in case of spills, other people’s sticky babies, or just a pigeon shitting on you.

I’m sure this particular fear is so irrational that it is probably diagnosable.


3. Math-fail cash

As you know, I try to be frugal and not to spend money frivolously, so I make monthly budgets and it’s been working beautifully.

However, one must always remember one’s weaknesses, and if I have one, it is numbers. Whether it’s birthdays, post codes, phone numbers or money, there is something about digits that doesn’t really resonate with me.

So, I try to be careful, and I use excel and calculators to help me manage my finances.

But of course, excel and your calculator can’t help you if you enter wrong numbers or forget to add some important expenses. It will spit out a budget that is based on wrong information, inevitably leading to a very sad end of the month.

But of course, I am prepared to fail at maths as I have so many times, and I have a tiny savings account dedicated to just that – should I be mistaken and realise I’m a few dollars short, I have an emergency math-fail fund.

Sure, sure. Judge me. But you know you’ve done it too.

4. If all else fails, throw money at the problem

There aren’t many things in this sad world that can’t be fixed with money.

If I find myself without my Opal card, without clean underpants and with no money in my account, I may have to consider taking drastic measures. The last resort.

My credit card.

With one swipe, all is solved.

Because sometimes, dearest reader, you just need to throw money at the problem and get on with life.


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