On a recent visit to a book store, I wandered around and found the self-help section.
Intrigued by what society is currently wrestling with, I browsed through the sections and recognised that all these books could be divided into the following categories:
- I am too fat
- I am too poor
- I have no friends
- I am too stupid
So here I am, dearest reader, to help you through these issues with a simple post that broadly covers all of them, along with a no-nonsense solution.
1. I am too fat
Well, if you are residing in the western world, this comes as no surprise. It is cheaper, easier and requires much less effort.
But if you don’t like the excess amount of ‘you’, the solution these books give you is healthy, educational and considers your psychological wellbeing. These are commendable contents, and the bottom line is – eat less, exercise more. Find whatever is making you want to eat, and deal with it.
But of course, many of us still fail. So here’s my suggestion.
Just don’t do anything.
Literally, sit in a chair, turn on the TV, stare at it and do nothing.
Don’t get up to buy food, don’t get up to cook food, don’t lift your phone to order food. If you do this long enough, you’ll lose weight.
Just Netflix this one out.
2. I am too poor
Keep sitting in that chair. Don’t do anything, don’t see anything, don’t spend anything. You keep Netflixing, and like a magic trick, you’ll save money while losing weight.
3. I have no friends
Perhaps you lack the basic social skills that are appreciated by other humans, such as humour, good conversation or the willingness to get intoxicated and do ridiculous things that others can capture on video.
There are countless books on learning social skills, opening your heart to people and finding love, all of which require digging into the depths of your childhood to deal with your mother issues. Eventually, you’ll eat wholemeal pasta and discover Jesus with your new friends.
If you prefer the easier and quicker alternative, you might find that dogs are quite easy to befriend as long as you provide them with food. It doesn’t even have to be good food.
You may have to limit your social interaction to the strategic throwing and subsequent retrieval of tennis balls and sticks, and develop a tolerance for the collection of faecal matter, but it’s a small sacrifice for what I understand to be a low-maintenance kind of friendship.
4. I am too stupid
This is a tough one. It requires time.
You may not want to go through the entire “…. for Dummies” range, nor do you have the kind of time and money to go back to school.
Alas, we can’t all be groundbreaking professors, skillful doctors, clever entrepreneurs and inspiring leaders. But this is no reason to despair; in fact, being a little on the stupid side has come back into fashion, as recent evidence suggests.
So now, as you’re browsing through the dummy section and feel a little embarrassed, always remember that with the right attitude, even you could become the next president.