The Truth About Sexual Intercourse

Dearest Reader,

We have gotten to know each other over the past couple of months, and I feel comfortable to discuss a very intimate topic with you. What I mean, of course, is recreational procreation.

I sincerely believe that especially our media has glorified sexual intercourse in a way that real life cannot keep up with. We have expectations of both men and women that aren’t really achievable, and I want to reassure you, dearest reader, that there is in fact nothing wrong with you.

The first thing I’d like to speak about are socks. Socks, interestingly, are never featured in a passionate love-making scene in any movie. For some reason, there simply are no socks.

But real life is full of socks. Men wear socks. All the time. So now, at the height of all human relationships, what do you do with them?

You can’t strip naked and leave your socks on, because this will either repulse or amuse the person who has just agreed to get hot and heavy with you.

Equally, there is no non-awkward way to take off your socks. I don’t know what happened in the evolutionary process, but while a woman is perfectly capable to slip into shoes while holding onto a wall, men generally need to sit down to put on/take off their socks and shoes. It’s a real ceremony. I don’t know why, it is certainly not height-related, it is just the fact.

So your options are leaving them on or, with all the naked giblets dangling, sit down and take off your socks. Which again, depending on the woman you currently have in front of you, will either result in frown or laughter, both which are hard to recover from.

The second thing I’d like to speak about is the famous white shirt. You must be familiar with the post-intercourse scenes of a naked woman throwing on her man’s white business shirt and walking around the house with that. There are two problems with that.

Firstly, anyone who has ever smelled a man’s shirt after a day at work will agree that there is nothing sexy about it and few of us would willingly put this on.

Secondly, depending on your body shapes, it is highly unlikely that this shirt will indeed look like a flattering, sexy dress when worn by a woman.

What really happens is that she’ll try to find what she just took off, unceremoniously picking it up, and putting that back on – now with the addition of bad hair.

So, dearest reader, do not worry that you’re alone in your sock dilemmas or scrambling to find your own unicorn pyjama shirt afterwards.

We’re all in the same, awkward boat.

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