Grocery Store Sitcom

Dearest Reader,

One of the many chores of adulthood is going grocery shopping, and I personally find it one of the most irritating ones.

Firstly, if you are a full-time worker, you know the crowds of people, their children and their grandmothers you have to fight at 5pm or on weekends to get to that last raspberry yoghurt.

Then of course, there’s the schlepping – carrying kilos of stuff home, which is especially fun when you don’t have a car.

And worst of all, YOU have to pay for this unpleasant experience.

But I am here to tell you that you can turn your grocery shopping into your own personal sitcom. All you have to do is open your eyes and use a little creativity.

Here’s how you do it: Next you find yourself waiting at the checkout, losing your patience and thinking about all the hours of your life you have wasted waiting in queues, take a moment to check out the baskets of the people in front of you.

What do you see? What story do these items tell?

Here are potential examples:

A female buying a huge tub of ice cream, other junk food and tissues – I smell drama, teary break-ups, red hot lovers and a kind of Ross/Rachel thing going on!

A male buying a kitchen knife, hershey’s kisses and mango body butter – Here’s a guy who really wants to take a bubble bath, smell of mangoes and indulge in a chocolate feast, but tries to overcompensate for the lack of masculinity implied by this activity by purchasing a big scary knife. I imagine a Scrubs/J.D. kind of situation here

An older lady buying cat food, cookies and beer – oh don’t you try to fool me nana, we all know you’re buying booze for the neighbour’s teens because you live next to the Inbetweeners!

Now sometimes, all you can see is some carrots and some soba noodles and none of it lends itself to a good story. So, be proactive!

There are some items that you should always pair with something awkward to have a bit of fun and freaking out the people around you, especially the check-out assistant.

One such item, without a doubt, are condoms.

You cannot waste this opportunity for comedy; for example, watch the puzzled faces as you put condoms on the counter along with some rubber gloves, shaving cream and a big pumpkin. Or wear a nun-costume while you buy them. Let them create a story in their heads, and marvel in their awkward, blushing faces.

Or female hygiene products. Why not add a plunger and some soy milk, just for fun?

So, dearest reader, there is no excuse to be bored at the grocery store – if you are committed to getting the biggest bang for your buck, and not just boredom and impatience, you can have the time of your life!

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